I am not one of those people. Maybe that is another problem I have. Or maybe it is a problem that I think it is a problem. What is for sure is that the fact that I believe I am not the type of person who can accomplish what I have set out to do is a problem. A huge one. Especially in light of the Big Days approaching.
What follows is a stream-of-consciousness list of all that vexes, worries, perplexes, and otherwise weakens my self esteem and confidence in passing The Test.
- The pass rate for California is low. It was 68% for first timers last July. 32% of us did not pass last year. That sucks. I know a handful of intelligent, accomplished, and overall good people who failed. And yes, I know that the former Dean of Stanford Law School failed, and Jerry Brown and Pete Wilson. Still. Failure is scary.
- My bank account is running on empty. I worry that I am going to be in the middle of studying and not able to pay my rent. Or my bills. Extra loans are not an option for me. I mean that; it is not as though the option is even open to me. Yuck.
- "The only people I know who failed had a death in the family . . ." An immediate family member of mine has a life threatening illness.
- ". . . or did not follow the BAR/BRI schedule." The BAR/BRI schedule is intense. I do not know how plausible is it for me to actually be able to complete every task assigned. No idea. Hope I can do it, but I worry that I can't. Especially considering that I can hardly bring myself to study for finals currently.
- A support system. I do not feel like I have one. It is a problem in and of itself that I personally do not believe I have a support system. It is another problem if one actually does not exist, as this is something that doctors often require before one can undergo major surgery. Without a support system, the likelihood of success and recovery post-op for patients is lower. As of late, I have felt some push back from some friends. Things were not as they seemed, and now I have no one to talk to as far as that front goes. My family . . . we are going through a difficult time, and the worst has been brought out in some of us, while others have their own problems to deal with. My Man . . . likes to think he is supportive, and he is. But I find it difficult to talk to him without a filter. I can't really even rely on myself. My emotions are running at a record high, and I myself have become unpredictable, moody, and overall miserable. Ugh.
- I lack physical fitness. Fitness is important. One needs endurance, health, stamina, mental sharpness, and mental strength in times like these. My single "up side" is here: this is something I can control. I just need the will and discipline to do it.
- I have no post-bar job opportunity. See #2. I fear I will need to add "Fry Chef" to my resume.
- IRAC is stupid. I get it. I understand it's usefulness. But sometimes, it just does not work. Rule...okay, that's the easy part. Analysis...plugging facts into the rule. Conclusion? I have no freaking clue what the actual result will be. Issue? There are A LOT OF ISSUES. Which ones do you want to know? The big ones, the little ones, the little ones within the big ones? And why do I have to tell you this. I have made it this far hating IRAC and I do not plan on discontinuing that. I pray that I somehow learn to love and embrace IRAC in the next two months. Please!
- Nightmares. I have not had a good night's sleep in a couple of weeks. I keep having nightmares. In order to get through the next two months, a good night's rest is important. And I know my hypersensitivity to all of these problems is an issue that impacts my sleep. Still. I can't sleep! Help! Nightmares need to end.
- I have a hard time getting up in the morning. See #9. Sometimes, I simply choose not to wake up. I just sleep all day, because I do not care about getting up and accomplishing things. This needs to stop.
- This list will go on. Stay tuned.
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