It's the final countdown

I am pretty sure this was the soundtrack to my dream last night:

I really wish it was not stuck in my head.  If anything produces anxiety, it is the guitar or keyboard (?) intro to that song.  My body is running on anxiety right now, so I really do not need anymore.  Still, the song is appropriate for this evening.

I have spent a fair (read: too much) amount of time "researching" the California Bar Exam.  I learned that it is commonly referred to as "CBX."  I dislike this name -- it reminds me of P90X (is that correct?).  I have been on the "CBX" diet for a couple months now, and my body is not looking so hot.  But that's okay.

So, in regards to my research, one post that has stood out to me is this one.  The writer speaks of being at this point of giving up, or coming into a sense of serenity...and I know I have one full day left, but that is about what I am feeling.  I have not quit, and I will still continue to go over my checklists, but I just don't see how I can learn one more thing without losing something else.  And at this point, I recognize that any more time I spend "learning" or "relearning" is not time well spent, and will not yield great returns.  I know what I know, and that will have to suffice.  Whether I pass or not, it is not up to me.  I can only do so much to show the graders that I should be a lawyer, and I plan on doing that. 

I think this last week was the toughest for me.  I cried a lot; felt like giving up...in the bad way, not the "I'm ready to go" serenity way.  I had a couple of days where I felt great and I believed in myself, and then it left me.  I'm not completely sure of myself at this moment, but I finally was able to dig deep enough to trust that I can do this.  I laid awake one night and tried to blame every other person in my life for me failing the bar exam...and I hadn't even taken it yet.  I realize now that no one is going to be able to give me the tools I need to pass besides myself.  I have said this before, and it is true - I do not have a strong support system.  It would have been wonderful to have a caring boyfriend feed me and cook for me, a parent drive me to the test center, an extra $500 to get a hotel room, a family member that has been through this before..heck a friend that's been through this before.  But I must say...I've done this on my own, and even if I had all those things, it would not make me pass this test.

It is about me, and what I can do.  What I can learn.  How far I can push myself.  How much I can believe in myself.  And how I execute, Tuesday through Thursday.  I cannot predict whether I pass or fail; I know statistically, I'm favored to pass.  I also know statistics do not account for the pressure that is going to arise on each exam day.  I could very well fail; but I am going to do everything in my power not to.  And that's that.