unbelievable

I passed.

Definitely did not see that coming.  So happy.  Thanks for reading.  

one day morej

My eyes feel so tired but my heart is racing.  By this time tomorrow I will know whether I passed or failed.

It has been a tough year for me, but this past week something has changed with me.  My attitude has taken a turn for the better.  I don't really know if it is just hormones or if it is real, but I am focusing on keeping the positivity flowing.  It feels good.

I want positive results so badly tomorrow, but no matter how much I want it, those results won't change.  

If you are rooting for me, thank you.

Baaaaaaack

Sorry to my reader for the long reprieve.

I am employed, though the situation is not ideal, but it pays a little.

Things are not going well for me in my personal life, but I figure this year has been so bad that I must have a really good year coming...

Speaking of a crappy year...I am very concerned over whether or not I passed the Cal Bar.  I think about what I missed constantly...and I just hope that what I wrote down/answered was enough. 

Anyway, I am planning on posting something more substantial in the very near future...and I hope to post some happy news on or around the 18th of this month (holy shit). 

Happy beginning to the holiday season!

Trying to find a job

Definitely jealous of my classmates with offers that are raking in some dough right now while I scour the internet, newspapers, and attorneys I know for a job.

I am unsure if I will post much on the job hunt, but I imagine that could be helpful to some future bar exam takers/job seekers. 

I have had a couple of bar exam dreams -- both concerned taking the bar exam and not learning of results or preparing.  In both, I can't say my dream self performed well, considering all of the dream-created obstacles I had to ovecome in order to even sit down and answer (oh hello, Mr. Evil Guy trying to kill me from outer space, I'll hide in the bathroom or by sit casually by the water cooler while you look for me).

I keep rethinking things, wondering if there are issues I think I missed that I actually got, wondering if I brought up counter arguments/defenses enough...wondering if I used enough facts.  Hoping that the only people that don't pass are ones that fail to answer an entire essay...but I know that is not true.

Anyway...back to slaying another dragon...unemployment.  Le sigh. 

Day 3...I hope it is over

My brain is not totally working currently and I will post later about my final thoughts should I have any worth sharing.  For now, here is a summary of a few things:

1)  Day 2 -- MBE:  kinda hard.  Not surprised about a particular question the MBE is famous for.  Thank you, Barbri.  I was confident on three questions out of 200.  Felt fabulous.  (Not.)  Oh yeah, and the fire alarm.  That was really cute.

2)  Day 3 -- Professional Responsibility, Real Property, Community Property.  For me, Property was the only one I felt confident about.  I wasn't able to nail issues on the PR one like I should have been able to...I found a whole lotta problems with one duty but had a hard time finding other violations.  Did my best.  Community Property was a strong subject for me during Barbri...however, I never encountered a practice question like what we got today.  It was deceptively challenging.   The performance test was hard for me -- I found it challenging to organize, and I know it wasn't as strong as my first PT.  I hit all the law I thought applied though and included the portions they asked for...I hope it is passing.

3)  The "straight civ pro" question from Day 1 may have been a crossover.  I'm not sure.  I answered it without the other issue -- evidence.  Many people talked about evidence (which would have only been relevant to one call of three).  Anyway...in case anyone stumbles upon this blog freaked out that I said it was "straight civ pro" ... don't worry.  I could be wrong.

4)  Overall...not feeling an incredible sense of joy.  Glad it's over.  Not sure I won't have to take it again.  Don't like that thought.

Day One

So, this morning, I thought things would go kinda like this:

However, that is not what happened.  And thank goodness because I was truly expecting the worst.  There were definitely thousands of very nervous people in one huge room, but I did not see any throw up, or smell any.  Some people's computers crashed, that sucked, and there were power issues.  But, it all seemed resolved by the second half of the day. 

Anyway, I was obviously terrified which is why I felt like it was going to be like "Welcome to the Jungle" in there.  But, the questions were not as intense as I expected.  I say that, and I know people are going to disagree with me.  But, to me, that was not what I was expecting.  I honestly thought I would open up the book, read a question, and not know what to say.  Luckily, I had something to say about them all!  Phew.

Now, what everyone wants to know -- what were the subjects.  Straight criminal law, straight federal civil procedure, and straight contracts.  I think the criminal law and contracts essays were the most challenging because there were tons of issues to bring up.  I'm sure I missed things.  And the civil procedure was challenging because...well, I suck at it, for one, and for two...what was that?  I was surprised, honestly.  I willed them to test us on personal jurisdiction...and it apparently did not work.  I'm pretty sure the civ pro essay will be my lowest score. 

I have no idea what to really think as far as my performance went.  I issue spotted like crazy.  But I worry about my analysis...which is the most important part.  It is difficult to not default to a ping/pong type analysis.  It is also difficult when the questions do not present facts of clear defenses and you have to think of them of the top of your head...or at least think of the other side of the argument.  I tend to think conclusively and this is not the way to go on the bar exam.  In fact, I missed some issues because I thought of them and then decided NOT to raise it.  What was I thinking?

I am not going to go into what I wrote about and what I did not for each essay because that's just stupid.  And I have four months to think about it all...and I'd rather it not be emblazoned on the internet forever. 

I am SO GLAD I wrote so many practice essays.  I never realized how many of them would help me out on exam day -- but thanks to all the practice, I knew what to bring up in a couple of places automatically, which really helped calm my nerves and enabled me to get something on paper.

Lastly...the performance test.  It was definitely a challenge "spelling" wise.  Very glad I pounded red bull before as well because it was, quite possibly, the most boring subject ever.  Next time, I'd like something a bit more salacious please.

All in all...the build up of the exam is the worst.  Now I feel like I can do this and I am not afraid of the questions.  I don't feel like going over anything...but I should because tomorrow is a big multiple choice day and I do not fare well at that kind of thing. 

Anyway, I hope today went well as far as me getting good results in November.  But honestly...not feeling like I nailed it.  Just feeling like I got the "gist."  Wish I would have thought harder about that civ pro question...

It's the final countdown

I am pretty sure this was the soundtrack to my dream last night:

I really wish it was not stuck in my head.  If anything produces anxiety, it is the guitar or keyboard (?) intro to that song.  My body is running on anxiety right now, so I really do not need anymore.  Still, the song is appropriate for this evening.

I have spent a fair (read: too much) amount of time "researching" the California Bar Exam.  I learned that it is commonly referred to as "CBX."  I dislike this name -- it reminds me of P90X (is that correct?).  I have been on the "CBX" diet for a couple months now, and my body is not looking so hot.  But that's okay.

So, in regards to my research, one post that has stood out to me is this one.  The writer speaks of being at this point of giving up, or coming into a sense of serenity...and I know I have one full day left, but that is about what I am feeling.  I have not quit, and I will still continue to go over my checklists, but I just don't see how I can learn one more thing without losing something else.  And at this point, I recognize that any more time I spend "learning" or "relearning" is not time well spent, and will not yield great returns.  I know what I know, and that will have to suffice.  Whether I pass or not, it is not up to me.  I can only do so much to show the graders that I should be a lawyer, and I plan on doing that. 

I think this last week was the toughest for me.  I cried a lot; felt like giving up...in the bad way, not the "I'm ready to go" serenity way.  I had a couple of days where I felt great and I believed in myself, and then it left me.  I'm not completely sure of myself at this moment, but I finally was able to dig deep enough to trust that I can do this.  I laid awake one night and tried to blame every other person in my life for me failing the bar exam...and I hadn't even taken it yet.  I realize now that no one is going to be able to give me the tools I need to pass besides myself.  I have said this before, and it is true - I do not have a strong support system.  It would have been wonderful to have a caring boyfriend feed me and cook for me, a parent drive me to the test center, an extra $500 to get a hotel room, a family member that has been through this before..heck a friend that's been through this before.  But I must say...I've done this on my own, and even if I had all those things, it would not make me pass this test.

It is about me, and what I can do.  What I can learn.  How far I can push myself.  How much I can believe in myself.  And how I execute, Tuesday through Thursday.  I cannot predict whether I pass or fail; I know statistically, I'm favored to pass.  I also know statistics do not account for the pressure that is going to arise on each exam day.  I could very well fail; but I am going to do everything in my power not to.  And that's that. 

Under pressure

Carrying on...

The most annoying thing occurring currently is the incredible amount of guilt I feel doing tasks which are not studying (this blog, exhibit A).  This includes watching TV and trying to sleep.  Which results in me forcing myself to only do such tasks for a limited period of time.  The sleeping thing is seriously ridiculous.  I know I do not have the ultimate power over what I dream about, but I swear I have had some law related dreams (in particular, Civil Procedure and Professional Responsibility).  Very odd.  But at least it is sort of sleep-studying, right? 

Right...

Back to it. 

You've got to get up every morning

Today it was really hard to wake up.  I am exhausted from all of this studying.  I feel like a zombie.  So today's music was chosen mostly because...I have to get up every morning.

But I also love Carole King.  Time to show Corporations all the love in my heart.

Today's Motivation Music

Actual past MBEs

I definitely scored better on the actual past MBE's.  Thank goodness.  It was hard, but somehow, I managed to pull it together and give a decent score.  Phew.

It's come to this...

So sad.  But it really helps.

Another freak out

Today was okay until 4 p.m. and on.  I did the Barbri MBE's for Con Law as per the paced program, and missed the vast majority of them.  This was after writing two Con Law essays, handwriting outlines with rules statements to 6 Con law essays, and going over my cheat sheet and notes.

What is going on!?

I feel so hopeless about all of this right now.  Trying to remember to not "fall into a puddle on the floor."  I think I might just throw Con Law out the window and give up on it.  I just cannot memorize this stuff.  In particular, all of the intricacies where you need the least restrictive means, or the burden on commerce cannot outweigh the benefit to the state, or when to bring in the public and non public forum crap.  It's all jumbled in my brain and I cannot manage to unjumble it in order to apply it.

I'm considering doing a 100 question past MBE rather than the Barbri MBE tomorrow -- Barbri wants us to do their final test, but I am so mad at Barbri's questions that I am not sure I will be able to do them without slitting my wrists.

If it were up to Barbri, I would absolutely fail the bar exam, in spite of all the work that I have done.  Thankfully, Barbri has no say. 

Still...I think I might fail just based on the MBE portion alone.  Why can I not manage greater than 55% on these tests???  What is going on!

"There really isn't much need for people to memorize and recite...don't waste your time..."

This guy makes a whole lot of sense.  And now I want to kick Barbri in the nuts. 

It is not as though Barbri has ever preached "memorization," but the paced program, the checklists, the outlines, and the substantive lectures all certainly imply that memorization is the most important.  I mean, how many mnemonic devices does one bar exam need? 

One thing was on my mind this morning at 2 a.m. when I could not sleep...where is Barbri's published success rate?  I could not find it on their website or in a google search.

Watched a movie last night

"A Lawyer Walks into a Bar."  Good documentary about some folks studying for the California Bar Exam in the summer of 2007.

Lesson:  Some people that should be lawyers do not pass the bar.  Some people that should not be lawyers do.

It kills me every time I hear of a law school graduate that wants to do social justice work who fails the bar.  There is a lot that can be done without a license.  There is a lot more that can be done with one.

One last thing

It is absolutely killing me to not be able to know or tell how I am doing.  I know Barbri tries to combat this with percentages of completion, through the percentile score in the Study Smart software, and the interactive paced program percentiles for the "big six."  But if I follow Barbri...I'm definitely going to fail.

I hope Barbri is wrong.

Finding a balance between totally freaked out and totally cool, calm and collected

Who knows if a balance is even necessary.  Since my last post, I've gone from "meh" to HOLY SHIT IT'S HERE.  And thank goodness for it because I really felt like something was missing until I got that warm and fuzzy OH SHIT feeling when doom looms.

Studying is not easier; I still feel like I am learning things.  This is not encouraging.  But, some things are becoming clearer and making more sense.  I still am between the 50-60% on the subject MPQ sets; but I've stopped caring about that.  I tend to do extraordinarily better on the mixed subject (with the exception of the simulated MBE) so I am hoping that I continue this trend into the Bar Exam. 

I also recognized that I have an analysis problem.  Many times I will incorporate analysis/conclusions and the whole paragraph does not make sense.  I've decided to attack this by adding an extra sentence -- so, I will restate a material fact, and then follow that with a sentence explaining how that fact determines the issue.  I have no idea why it took my three years of law school and 6 plus weeks of bar prep to learn that, but I finally have.  What gives me hope is that many of the sample answers on the California Bar Exam website are also bad at analysis; so if I slip up, hopefully it won't be the end of me.

I am concerned about certain subtopics in subject areas -- character and impeachment for evidence, parol evidence for contracts, strict products liability for torts, etc.  Blah blah blah. 

I am unsure how valuable the Barbri commentary is; it will often state that if an issue was missed in a particular essay, that the essay would not receive a passing score.  How does Barbri know this?  Is it from the students essays that did not pass the bar exam that take Barbri again?  I wish I knew the answer.  Because I am still missing stuff, vital or not. 

Anyway...two things keep me going at this point:  (1) This is the last hurdle I need to jump before I become a real lawyer, my dream and (2)  I do not want to take this stupid Barbri course again. 

I am absolutely not one of those freaks who gets up early and studies before class, does 100 MBE questions, 10 essays, studies some more, then passes out just to do it all over again the next day.  My whole motto this go around is to try to really learn the law, understand the law, and apply it appropriately.  I want to get this stuff more than I want to fit three years of studying into 2 months.  So that's been my approach -- while sticking to 85%-90% of the Barbri plan. 

Alright...back to it.

Two weeks from TODAY

I need a sound effect for this post that sounds like a firework is going to go off but instead, after all that climbing and climbing into the air and the progressively higher pitch the sound of its soar gets...pffffffft.  It's a dud.  That was today.

Today was a long day - I think I actually put in a full 12 hours.  Still, I did not manage to accomplish what I set out to accomplish.  That is, I did not learn Professional Responsibility in a day.  At least I hit the books.

I do not feel anywhere near prepared.  I still feel like I am not studying enough.  Still not memorizing...someone told me that was supposed to happen at some point here.  When does that start?

I know this is going to sound hypocritical of me, considering my moody blogs...but believe me, this summer has been relatively low stress.  This is nothing compared to first year of law school.  Everyone I know freaked out all summer long last summer.  Why does this feel so uneventful for me?  Why do I not feel like the most important test of my life is coming up?  When will that stuff start?  I kind of feel like I need to to kick my ass into gear.  Calm before the storm?  Perhaps...and I hope so.

I am not one of "those" people, either.  Those people that don't study.  I'm putting in the time, doing 90% of the Barbri requirements.  Practicing essays 6 days of the week.  Making outlines, and outlines from outlines.  But I just feel like it is not sinking in, the information is getting put into different places and taking different forms every day, but I'm still just copying crap out of the CMR; even when I know I've already copied down that rule somewhere else just because I like to go in order, and include everything.

Those people who are sitting on their asses, playing computer games or shopping or hanging out with friends...I'm not doing that.  No weddings, no bachelorette parties.  A couple small get togethers in June, with non-law school people, that's all.  No night's out on the town, no long lunches.  None of that.  It's just me and my books.  I dictate my breaks...probably grant myself too many...but I'm not watching reruns of Gossip Girl or anything like that.  No Sex and the City marathons.  I actually went to all the Barbri lectures.  I'm doing what I believe I'm supposed to be doing...and somehow feeling like I need to be doing more...but what more can I do?

Today is a complete failure and I feel a waste of precious study time, in spite of the fact that I studied all day.  I still know nothing.  Tomorrow, you better bring me your worst.

Two weeks from tomorrow

Holy crap.

Welp, I certainly hope what everybody says is correct and that I will learn everything in these next two weeks.  I pretty much plan on sticking to the Barbri schedule -- although it has failed me in the past, and although I am not caught up -- I think the day by day subject approach will be good.  On top of that, I need to work in more MBE practice, which I did some of this weekend and scored above average or average.  Still, I want some consistency and until I take 5 tests in a row and get average-above average scores, I will not be happy.

I looked at the chart in the essay workbook Barbri gave us that contains all of the subjects tested on the past 10 or so years of exams.  Then I tried to guess what would be on the test by the chart.  This is not a worthwhile exercise -- don't do it.  I do wish certain subjects will be tested, and others not.  Community property, business organizations, evidence, criminal law, and torts -- all welcome in my book.  Property, contracts, wills and trusts, constitutional law, civil procedure -- no, thank you.  But for whatever I hope is on the test, and whatever I hope is not on the test...I have to prepare for everything.  I know Sakai says to work on the weaknesses -- but I like the confidence building that occurs when I study my stronger subjects.  As such, I'm going to study everything.

For every subject, I plan to make a checklist of my own.  From this checklist, I'm going to practice writing the rule from memory for every element and memorizing the list in its entirety.  Memorization has never been a strong suit of mine, and the flashcards...well, I gave up on them as of right now.  I have well over 400 completely useless flashcards already, and an unopened package of 500 that I wasted 3.99 on.

I also plan on writing one to two essays a day from here on out.  I only managed to practice one essay this weekend.  I did do some MBE practice and Wills and Trust general studying...but only one measly essay.  So, got up the ante a little bit.  The essay practice really is where I learn the law the best as well, and learn how to properly B.S. so that I can sheep my way through a pass on the test.

Wow.  What a boring post.  More to come as I continue preparation...this is one fun way to procrastinate. 

Essay Mania / MBE Problems

I cannot believe this is almost over.  I have so much work to do!

I just counted the number of essays I have written out and reviewed - I'm at 23.  I'm not sure if that is the number everyone is supposed to be at or not - it appears sometimes I skipped essays (only wrote 1 where I was instructed to write 2, etc.)  There are three subjects I have zero essays written out; 2 of those subjects I should have essays for (and for one, I know I wrote 2 essays and for some reason they are absent from my computer).  Scary.  Over the weekend, I am going to try and write one essay for each area where I only have one or none.

Secondly...my MBE scores were really weak.  However, for some reason, I've suddenly picked more information up or gotten smarter at answering, because I am now getting consistently 80% or better.  I'm now working through the MPQ2, which is not even assigned.  I have found this book to have much easier questions, and the target percentiles are all in the 70%s so I think they actually are easier.  Still, I'm proud for increasing my score by as much as I did.  I think the key for me is really to take mental breaks frequently during these MBEs because at certain points I'm just reading without comprehending.  I also want the MBE to help and not hurt my chances of passing the bar exam...

That's all for now...hope everyone else is hanging in there.

Holiday Weekend Blues

I totally named this blog right...'cause I have a serious case of the blues. 

First off, I feel this weird need to apologize (1) for my last post of craziness and (2) for not posting.  However, upon reflection I recognized that I am the only one who reads this and I am not sorry to myself for either (1) or (2).

Secondly.  It's fourth of July weekend.  I think all of my neighbors have taken off by now, or they are in the process of it.  I keep seeing people walk by my apartment with bags in hand, in cute summer outfits.  I'm seriously jealous.  I love the Fourth of July weekend.  Particularly when it is a 3 day weekend.  I like it more next year -- when it is a four day weekend.  But I imagine I will be slogging away at this time next year and not able to enjoy the four days.  Well, I hope to be, at least.  Anyway...this sucks.  It is 80 something degrees outside.  Beautiful.  And here I am, at my desk, writing essays.  This totally sucks.  It's just me, BB King, and Muddy Waters.  All weekend long. 

This week also marks the start of the month of the test and the crazy march to the 26th of July.  The test is 24 days away.  Holy fuck.  As the essay guy says -- "Closers, it's time."

So, I am nowhere near where I need to be, or where I think I should be at this point.  My last post probably hinted at that a little bit.  In regards to that last post -- I cannot sit here and blame the instructors.  I was just getting so frustrated because it seems like they will just tell you a rule and move on.  I am having trouble connecting the dots, I suppose.  I know that I have the base knowledge of this stuff already, and that's why these lectures are abridged versions for the Bar Exam -- but I just expected to get more from the lectures.  Now I realize that for me, I need to hit the outlines more and the CMR, and wikipedia to understand the concepts.

Related, I have found that I tend to understand and remember a rule of law if I know the reasoning or policy behind it.  That helps me.  I'm not going to write about the reasoning on the exam, but I think when I have trouble, that's what I need to look for.

My studying this week/weekend has focused immensely on writing essays, and grading them myself.  I have been writing them out, making up law where I don't know it, trying to recite rules, and applying them.  Then, I look to see if there is an answer available with BarBri, the state Bar, or (in the case of some essays that BarBri does not provide sample answers for) if a quick internet search will yield me a model answer.  Then I compare, and actually track changes in the essay I wrote, to see what I missed.  This has proved effective for me.  I get better with each essay I write for that particular subject. 

That being said, I think I might start focusing on making my own outlines for some of the subjects I struggle with the most.  I have already done this for the 6 essay/MBE topics, but I think I need to do this for Remedies and Civil Procedure and some others as well.  It just helps to see it all/have it all in one place.

Who knows if anyone but me will ever read this again...but to those that did, and to reward myself, here's a treat:

One more thing

F*** barbri.  The lecturers teach the law as if it's in a vacuum.  As far as CMR goes, I can COPY a rule STRAIGHT FROM the book, and the "grader" on the essay will say my rule statement is missing elements.  THANKS CONVISER!

I'm so pissed off.

Barbri can go f itself.

Crap - Week 5

I now understand why there are not too many blogs of bar exam prep.  There is so little time!  Due to the time constraints -- today's blog is going to be short and sweet and likely nonsensical.  Here goes:

• Of three essays submitted, I've only "passed" one.  Two 60s and a 65.  Awesome.
• Scoring in the 50-60% range on multiple choice.  Not so hot.
• I have fallen behind in preparation; there are two essays I have not written and one I never outlined.  There are also some essay analysis videos I did not watch.  I always print the essay approach and create an outline based on that format; I just don't always watch the video...
• I created too many flashcards that are unnecessary - I am actually going to recreate some vital ones, and keep the multiple choice ones I made separate from these new sets.  Then I'm getting rid of the ones I made from the CMR book.
• It will never, ever be funny to me for someone not studying for the bar to ask me, "Shouldn't you be studying?" when I am running an errand or eating dinner or taking one of the very few breaks I take.
• It will always, always irritate me that my family thinks this test is cake.  This is not the freaking drivers permit test, people!  Ugh.  And yes, I DO need to be studying RIGHT NOW and NO, I CANNOT wait until the night before.

Well, I feel better.  On to the massive to-do list...

This is not getting any easier

My scores have sunk back down -- now I'm in the 50% range on multiple choice.

I did a practice essay and tried hard to get all the issues -- it took me TWO HOURS. 

I need to get my act together!

Week 3's Mini-Breakthrough Moment

Today was a great day.  Extraordinary.  Brilliant.  What happened today was something I never thought would happen. 

I scored a 9/12 on a mini-MBE review with the Study Smart software on Barbri.com.  Yes, that's only a 75%.  But I have never scored so high on any combination of MBE questions.  And yes, there are other forces working in my favor; for instance, I chose the subjects and I chose only a handful of questions.  But spare me, self (I always find a way to bring myself down).  For one who consistently scores in the 40-50% range, this is huge. 

I scored a 9 out of 12.  That's fan-freakin-tastic.  I only wish it would have occurred sooner in the day - it's a bit late to be having such a magnificent moment.  But I digress.

My study schedule has not changed.  It's still study, class, lunch, study, work out, study, random internet tv, bed.  Week 3 is marching along, and the struggle to stay awake during the lectures is becoming more difficult to battle.  I have still done e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g Barbri told me to do, and I plan to keep this up.

As far as study methods, the one thing I do that others do not (or at least I have not seen anyone do this) is type of the lecture notes.  I fill in the blanks during the lecture, and then go home and type up the notes and explanations. 

I also started reading my flashcards.  I am not at the point where I can recite what the back of the flashcard says, but I'm a champ at reading it out loud.  This was not a totally pointless effort, either, as I refreshed my memory on a couple of topics.  Although I also realized that everything I learned way back when about present and future estates has been lost (and that was the topic of the damn property question I got wrong tonight on the MBE).

Today I started a list of the topics that I consistently mess up -- breach situations for contracts (I know, it's like the most basic part), present/future estates for property, etc.  I have not actually done anything to re-familiarize myself with these topics, but I plan on reading the larger Multistate and CA outlines on these topics to try and get a better grip.  

But anyhow.  9 out of 12.  I am happy about this. 

Week 2

I'm tired.  The nerves of this entire situation have settled so that I can no longer wake up as early as I was last week to start studying, and I am actually beginning to get lazy after class.  I am forcing myself to study and get my work done, but it is not coming as easy nor am I as obsessed as I was last week.

The schedule these first two weeks has been class in the morning, quick lunch, then doing the Barbri homework for 3 hours or so (whatever it takes until it is done), gym, home for dinner, and then more studying in the evening.

I am definitely not picking up the concepts like I should be, still!  Everyone around me seems to be scoring consistently in the 70% or higher range on the multiple choice testing drills.  I'm still below 50%.  Pretty sad.  I have never been good at multiple choice tests, but it is not like a failed out of law school -- my GPA is not too shabby at all, and these Barbri drills are really making me feel incompetent.

I will get it down...I know I will.  I just hope I get it down by the end of July so that I can only ride this terrifying bar exam ride once.

How am I supposed to pass this test again?

I am scoring consistently horribly on these multiple choice tests.  I have yet to attain the "goal" of a 65%.

I am truly scared.  Barbri is fun and all...but at this point it seems impossible to pass the California Bar Exam.  Especially if Property appears as one of the Essays.

I will not give up - I paid a lot of money to take this test and become a real lawyer.  However, I am going to move on from Property and just hope I score off the charts for the remaining subjects.
 

Completely beyond the scope...

I am learning things about my Mother that I never appreciated or recognized in the past.  It is actually quite uplifting.

She's supremely smart.  Tell her something once and not only will she never forget it -- she can apply it in situations where applicable, beyond which you intended its original purpose, but something that is absolutely applicable and appropriate -- something you never thought of before.

She is thoughtful and pointed.  When she has something to say, she does not just blurt it out (as I tend to do) but she waits for the right moment and says it in such a way that the statement and its meaning are at the equilibrium of impact.

She is not afraid of stating the truth, even if it is contrary to popular opinion or appropriateness.  Perhaps I appreciate this because it is refreshing to meet people who are not carbon copies of one another, or longing to be as such.  She should write a book.

She knows how you are feeling without you telling her.  She can see it on your face. 

I love my mother.  It is such a gift to me that I am able to spend this time with her and learn these things about her that I am confident I knew and admired as a young girl...and somehow lost along the way.  Until now.

Day 4 -- Not feeling so hot

Four days in, and feeling like a complete idiot.

I have never scored so low on a multiple choice test, ever, before this week.

Barbri has an interesting feature where it allows you to answer a designated number of multiple choice questions, and then it lets you know your score and your percentile rank with all other Barbri students.  In one section of Constitutional Law, 86% of Barbri students scored higher than me.  This does not bode well.

I have continued making flash cards, but I am unsure of how useful they will be.  I am hoping that the process of writing things down will do something for me. 

As far as the lectures go -- I am afraid that after all these years in school, writing down lecture notes has become so rote that although I am a professional at taking fast notes, I am not paying attention whatsoever to the meaning of what I am writing. 

And as to keeping up with the assignments -- so far it isn't too bad.  That being said, it is not hard to answer a couple sets of multiple choice questions, go over the answers, and watch an hour long video.  It is the reading part that kills me.  Anyhow, it is now time for a glass of Le Cheap Cabernet and a cheesy movie. 

Bar/Bri, Day 1

It has been a long day and I am having problems ordering words correctly to form sentences.  As such, creating paragraphs is likely impossible.  Here are some sentences/words:

• What's up, hyper blonde law lecturer?  Rather than drinking coffee, I am listening to you every morning. 
• 45 minutes is too long to answer 25 multiple choice questions.  Thank goodness.
• Criminal Law guy - you are my hero.
• I am paying almost $4k to have some random person push play on a DVD player . . . and all I get is a lousy lanyard.
• Definitely not keeping up with the reading...140 pages tonight?  I don't think so.  Try 20.
• I like the Paced Program on barbri.com.  
• Flash cards.
• Less than 50% multiple choice questions correct.  Shoot.
• 65% on the MBE and 65% on the written portion do not add up to the 1440 needed to pass.
• It was not so bad.

Countdown to The Big Days:  63 days.

Another post on Day 1:  lisslo

Just started studying for The Big Days (via Bar/Bri method)

I have been taking practice tests for about 6 months now, but I officially started re-learning/studying the law today.  Bar/Bri told me to "Read" about certain subjects...that got old very fast.  This is dry material.  Reading cases is much more fun.  Wow.  I never thought reading cases would be more fun than something.

In order to make things more interesting, I purchased a huge package of index cards and I have begun making flashcards from the mini-outlines Bar/Bri provided.  Reading these outlines, as Bar/Bri suggested (3 total for today) would have taken me maybe three hours total.  Flash-carding these outlines will take twice as long.  Which is why I am already behind -- I am only 1/4 through Torts

In other news...

Cannot.  Stop.  Listening.

Countdown:  64 days until The Big Days.

Purpose

Writing this blog is not about recognition.  I do not need to be linked to or quoted or what have you. 

Why did I start this blog?  I researched for some time to see if I could find a blog from a recent student who took either a 2010 or 2009 California Bar Exam and blogged about it.  All I could find were posts about passing or failing.  I could not find anything about the process.  Recognizing this, I decided to fill the hole. 

That being said, we all must realize that in all of our endeavors we still have to deal with our every day lives -- which is why I am going to post about things that are relevant to my life, and how that is going to impact my studying.  If a post is so off-topic and irrelevant to the general subject of the California Bar Exam, I will note it by tagging it, "a post that is beyond the scope of this blog."

Probably most importantly, I write this blog for me.  Simply put, it helps.  I would say enjoy, but I do not care if you do or not.  

Mother's Day

Picking out a Mother's Day card was really hard this year.  I usually look for a slightly humorous one that doesn't pull on any heart strings.  This year was different; this could be the last Mother's Day card I buy for my mother.

I read every card the supermarket had before deciding on one with a sweet sentiment and an even sweeter design.  And when I arrived with the card (cash stashed inside), I completely forgot about what this Mother's Day could be.  I made her lunch, we talked about her upcoming appointments, and everything seemed normal.  She was in a great mood, too.

Today was a good day.

99 probems

I have problems.  We all do.  Some people are good at dealing with their problems, recognizing how to get on with their lives, and still accomplishing what they have set out to do.

I am not one of those people.  Maybe that is another problem I have.  Or maybe it is a problem that I think it is a problem.  What is for sure is that the fact that I believe I am not the type of person who can accomplish what I have set out to do is a problem.  A huge one.  Especially in light of the Big Days approaching.

What follows is a stream-of-consciousness list of all that vexes, worries, perplexes, and otherwise weakens my self esteem and confidence in passing The Test.

1. The pass rate for California is low.  It was 68% for first timers last July.  32% of us did not pass last year.  That sucks.  I know a handful of intelligent, accomplished, and overall good people who failed.  And yes, I know that the former Dean of Stanford Law School failed, and Jerry Brown and Pete Wilson.  Still.  Failure is scary.  
2. My bank account is running on empty.  I worry that I am going to be in the middle of studying and not able to pay my rent.  Or my bills.  Extra loans are not an option for me.  I mean that; it is not as though the option is even open to me.  Yuck.
3. "The only people I know who failed had a death in the family . . ."  An immediate family member of mine has a life threatening illness.
4. ". . . or did not follow the BAR/BRI schedule."  The BAR/BRI schedule is intense.  I do not know how plausible is it for me to actually be able to complete every task assigned.  No idea.  Hope I can do it, but I worry that I can't.  Especially considering that I can hardly bring myself to study for finals currently.
5. A support system.  I do not feel like I have one.  It is a problem in and of itself that I personally do not believe I have a support system.  It is another problem if one actually does not exist, as this is something that doctors often require before one can undergo major surgery.  Without a support system, the likelihood of success and recovery post-op for patients is lower.  As of late, I have felt some push back from some friends.  Things were not as they seemed, and now I have no one to talk to as far as that front goes.  My family . . . we are going through a difficult time, and the worst has been brought out in some of us, while others have their own problems to deal with.  My Man . . . likes to think he is supportive, and he is.  But I find it difficult to talk to him without a filter.  I can't really even rely on myself.  My emotions are running at a record high, and I myself have become unpredictable, moody, and overall miserable.  Ugh. 
6. I lack physical fitness.  Fitness is important.  One needs endurance, health, stamina, mental sharpness, and mental strength in times like these.  My single "up side" is here:  this is something I can control.  I just need the will and discipline to do it.
7. I have no post-bar job opportunity.  See #2.  I fear I will need to add "Fry Chef" to my resume.  
8. IRAC is stupid.  I get it.  I understand it's usefulness.  But sometimes, it just does not work.  Rule...okay, that's the easy part.  Analysis...plugging facts into the rule.  Conclusion?  I have no freaking clue what the actual result will be.  Issue?  There are A LOT OF ISSUES.  Which ones do you want to know?  The big ones, the little ones, the little ones within the big ones?  And why do I have to tell you this.  I have made it this far hating IRAC and I do not plan on discontinuing that.  I pray that I somehow learn to love and embrace IRAC in the next two months.  Please!
9. Nightmares.  I have not had a good night's sleep in a couple of weeks.  I keep having nightmares.  In order to get through the next two months, a good night's rest is important.  And I know my hypersensitivity to all of these problems is an issue that impacts my sleep.  Still.  I can't sleep!  Help!  Nightmares need to end.
10. I have a hard time getting up in the morning.  See #9.  Sometimes, I simply choose not to wake up.  I just sleep all day, because I do not care about getting up and accomplishing things.  This needs to stop.
11. This list will go on.  Stay tuned.

Pity me.  Or empathize.

My request was fulfilled....

An illustration of the "compound."  I wondered in my previous post if this type of image would be released.  I severely underestimated the pride this country's defense team has in general and over this incident. 

Also, the photos of the actual compound?  Rather underwhelming.

Finally...Osama shielded himself with one of his wives?  Seriously?

And...back to studying for finals, and not the bar exam.

Nightmares & bin Laden

Lately I have been enduring graphic and colorful nightmares as I sleep.  This tends to happen to me in times of high stress and emotion.  Back in 2001, after the attacks in NYC, I had some of the scariest nightmares about Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda attacking my Dad's house in suburbia California.

With news of bin Laden's death, I find myself curious about how exactly this operation went down, what the compound looked like, and how the soldiers involved escaped without being hurt.  The articles thus far have been devoid of specifics.  I'm sure there are important reasons for the vagueness.  Still, I'm curious.  A movie will likely be made about the mission, and in spite of its fictional nature I will buy into it.  I just love historical fictions.  I wonder what retaliation efforts will look like.

That is really all I have to say about all of this.

The truth

I saw my mom today.  She has cancer.

Over the weekend, I saw a really old man cross the street.  By himself.  No assistance of any devices or people.  My mother, probably 30 years younger or more than he is, uses a walker and/or a wheel chair depending upon her energy level that day.  Life is so fucked up.

I had a bad day. So I gave myself a canister of Pringles, Pepperidge Farm cookies, ravioli, Pinot Noir, and a French Manicure.

Nothing too terrible happened today.  However, I am depressed, so even tolerable days are miserable.

Anyhow, I took a trip to CVS thinking it might cure my tolerable-yet-still-bad day, and purchased a bunch of crap I didn't need, including a french manicure set.  I'm about half way done with it now.  I am currently typing with white stickers stuck to each finger.  The desired result:

Mine will look much worse, particularly considering my nails do not even go past the skin on the tip of my fingers.  Whatever.

I did not do any bar prep today, though I should have.  Instead I worked on a monster of an outline.

This post bores me.  I'm going to publish anyway.  Silly.

Saturday! Saturday! Saturday! Saturday!

Did you catch what the title is from?

Elton really has nothing to do with this post other than that today is Saturday, and I love that song.  Oh, and I'm slightly obsessed with the Royal Wedding.  Anyway, moving on.

I am sitting in bed, laptop on lap, an old episode of Grey's Anatomy playing in the background, and feeling quite sorry for myself.*

I'm in a really weird place right now, and I wonder if this is normal. I'm having some weird interactions with some law school friends, and feeling oddly rejected and sensitive over the whole thing.  I also made the decision to not see my main man this weekend, which is out of character for my co-dependent self.  Now, of course, I'm regretting that decision.  I did three practice essays and a performance test today, and I actually feel good about those.  I still cannot manage to muster up the desire to study for finals.  I also only opened my text books this semester about two or three times.  That means I have not read.  I always read for classes.  Not this semester.

Things are weird.  Off balance.  Whatever.  Is it graduation?  Is it pre-bar exam jitters?  Stress over having no job?  I don't know.  For all I know, this could be completely normal for me.  I just cannot even read my own emotions right now.  I even thought, for about five minutes today, about getting my Ph.D.  Weird.  What am I supposed to do with that?

*I also have a coffee mug full of cranberry-vodka.  Putting this fact in a footnote makes me feel better about myself.  I'm pretty sure the fact that I put this in a footnote, and that it makes me feel better to have this noted here, is a sign of alcoholism.  Now I'm not feeling so much better. 

Performance Test Apathy, Anger, and Irritation

I completed a performance test that asked me to create four declarations, numbered "disputed facts," and the argument section of a motion for summary judgment.  This was very daunting.  I half-assed it.  I found myself pissed at the Bar Examiners for writing such a monster of a performance test, which lead to the development of an apathetic attitude in completing the assigned tasks.

I know I have to drop this attitude in order to put forth my best efforts on the real thing.    Performance tests were my strong suit. 

To move or not to move

My lease is up in July.

The place I'm currently at is nice -- a little out of my price range (and if I renew for a year, likely to go up $100 a month) -- but otherwise nice amenities, friendly enough staff, and well-kept.  Forget the weird cockroach infested outdoors, and the one creepy neighbor with the huge eyes, and it is a great place to live.

I could move into an unknown place, likely with more outdated amenities and worse management or staff, but probably about $150-200 cheaper than the place I am currently at.

It seems like the obvious choice is to move.  However, the thought of packing up all of my belongings during Bar prep is overwhelmingly stressful.  Now I just have to decide if the stress is worth possibly being evicted in September for an inability to pay my current rent...

This is only one of the topics weighing on my mind as Bar prep approaches.  More fun to come as I find problems with every little thing going on in my life.

I am a pessimist.

July 28, 2011

The last day of the 2011 California Bar Exam.

War stories to come.  Stay tuned.